Essays are very important requirements for admissions and scholarships. If written well, it can boost your overall application and increase your chances of getting into your dream University.
Essays aren’t that easy to write, however. While some may follow a particular format just as “Why do you want to study at our Uni”, some may be personalized just like the “personal statement”. In the excerpt below, we look at how to reword the personal statement of a student applying to a UK University.
Let’s use one of his paragraphs as an example:
My early exposure to machines was thanks to the desktop computer we had at home. This machine intrigued me, and I wouldn’t stop asking “How does this work”? Thanks to my parents, I was introduced to Engineering right from childhood. I learned Epi Info, built games, visited Caverton Helicopters, and did an internship at an innovation center in Year 9. These early experiences made me more passionate about Engineering.
At first read, I’d be like him, this guy has been exposed to quite a lot of technical stuff right from childhood. And that is because of line 3. I actually wouldn’t remember much of where this guy worked or what he did, but I know he has done a lot. This is how I would think as an Admission Officer. But this is not good enough.
An admission officer reads hundreds, if not thousands of essays. While this paragraph tells a bit about the exposure of the candidate right from childhood, it doesn’t actually tell us what the child can do. For us to know the child’s technical capabilities, we need to know more about how he used the knowledge he gained from these experiences. For example, if he tells us what Epi Info is or how he made use of it, that could be more effective. Or he could tell us more about the game he built or what he built it with.
A statement like… I built games with Scratch programming for kids around my age.
Yeah, that’s much better. He could also tell us more about his visit to Caverton Helicopters, or what he learned there. A sentence like…
At Caverton Helicopters, I got to talk with the Engineering Director who gave me a walk-through of the helicopter engine. And that really intrigued me.
Now the essay should look much better, here’s what we have:
My early exposure to machines was thanks to the desktop computer we had at home. This machine intrigued me, and I wouldn’t stop asking “How does this work”? Thanks to my parents, I was introduced to Engineering right from childhood. I learned the basics of Epi Info, built games with Scratch programming for kids my age, got to know the basics of a Helicopter’s engine thanks to my visit to Caverton Helicopters and I also did an internship at an innovation center in Year 9. These early experiences made me more passionate about Engineering.
Looks much better right? Now the admission officer definitely has something to remember about you.
So when writing, please be more specific about your experiences, tasks, or projects. It helps them connect more with you and gives a clearer picture of your personality and skills. Let’s go a bit further. Some changes could be made to the internship part. Isn’t it?
We could learn more about his job at CCHUB as a small intern:
“At CCHub, I learned how to make robots with Lego and how to work with 3D printers”
Now, that’s much clearer. Our final version is, therefore:
“My early exposure to machines was thanks to the desktop computer we had at home. This machine intrigued me, and I wouldn’t stop asking “How does this work”? Thanks to my parents, I was introduced to Engineering at a young age. I learned Epi Info, built games with scratch programming for kids around my age, visited Caverton Helicopters, and did an internship at an innovation center, CCHub in Year 9. At CCHub, I learned how to make robots with Lego and how to work with 3D printers. These early experiences shaped my thinking and helped me develop a versatile mind for machines and set me off to a career in Engineering.”
Isn’t it way better now? You may compare the bolded texts to see the difference.
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